Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Snakes And Rocks, and I finally get it!

Yesterday I was feeling like my head would explode from stress, and then a friend sent me an instant message that really changed my perspective on things. She told me a little story, and I have been thinking about it constantly, and even had a dream about it. First, I will share the story.

There was a missionary serving in Africa with his wife and children. His wife was very afraid and wanted to go home. She had an overwhelming fear that her child would be bitten by snakes and die. She was so afraid this child was going to die there in Africa. She was finally able to convince her husband to leave his work on the mission field and come back to the United States. The family was living in a mobile home and one day the child had crawled underneath the home to play. Can you guess what happened? Yep. Bit by a snake and died.

So what is the moral of this story? I took two things out of it. First- We can't change God's plans. If we were meant to get bit by a snake and die, then we will, no matter how hard we try to avoid snakes. Second- If we can't change God's plans, and we are going to die anyway, aren't we better to die while being in God's Will than out of it? I am sure that mother would have rather the child died in Africa knowing that is where God wanted them, than having him die after they left where God had sent them. Sure, she would have rather the child not die at all, but again, we can't change God's plans.

Now, on to my dream...

I was on top of a big rock, one that is high off the ground and big enough that I could walk around on it a bit. Down below the ground was covered in snakes. They were weird snakes though, each one had words written down his back. Each snake had a different trial or temptations on him. Things to be afraid of, or that might destroy us. I was afraid, I felt like these snakes would devour me. I felt trapped and grew to resent my rock. If only this rock was bigger, or if only i had a way to get off of this rock and away from these snakes. Oh and I forgot to mention that on this rock I also had a pillow which I could sit on to rest, and a blanket to keep me warm.

So I am on this rock, and rather than wrapping up in the blanket to keep warm, or resting on the soft pillow, I am frantically pacing back and forth, trying to figure out how to get off this stinking rock. Suddenly I look out and notice this little tiny rock out in the middle of the snakes. This rock is not high up above them like my rock, but right on the same level. It is not big like my rock, but is little, just small enough for a small person to barely sit on. There is no pillow or blanket, no room to walk around. Just a little tiny rock right in the midst of the snakes. Sitting on this rock is my best friend.

I look down at her and think, "Oh how can she stand to be on that rock! She must be cold with no blanket! She has no room to walk around, and the snakes are unbelievably close! She must be so afraid!" Immediately I start thinking of ways to get her off of that rock and to one more like mine.

But then I notice something. She isn't looking frantic. In fact, she is singing hymns, and singing joyfully. How, how can this be?

Then I look again, and I notice something that I hadn't seen at first. There are two large hands around her, shielding her from being devoured by these horrible snakes. She isn't cold because of the lack of a blanket, she is warm in these hands. These snakes can't get to her, because these hands are protecting her.

I think of the Bible story of the disciples on the boat. The storm was so scary and they looked at Jesus who was peacefully sleeping, and angrily said "why aren't you helping us?????" It has occurred to me that I am also suffering from a lack of faith. What did it take for the danger to be gone? Jesus simply said "Peace, be still" and that was it. The stormy sea obeyed His words.

If such a danger as that can be calmed with words, can't He change these circumstances? And perhaps I am getting in the way of that happening, because I am trying to fix things by my own hands, and the way that I am wanting them fixed. Oh, and in my own time too. I get it, I am being foolish! Okay, God, I am going to sit on my rock and wait, I know you have this!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am just a mess. An absolute stinking mess. Please just bare with me, forgive me when I am acting like a nut, know that I am not usually (quite) so crazy, and that I am really trying to hold it together and failing miserably.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just some rambling and questioning this morning...

Life just seems to be crazy these days...we can't seem to go more than a few days without "problems". I keep wondering, is this just how our life is, and we should just accept that and stop hoping for it to be something different? That doesn't sound too appealing, but maybe I am just looking at things wrong. I don't know.

So what I don't understand is how when things are so tough, my dear sweet friend is sitting here singing hymns in the sweetest sounding voice you could imagine, with a peaceful smile on her face. She won't talk about things, and just tells me "Oh Hannah, nur das Vertrauen in Gott, meine Schwester ". Perhaps she is wiser than me, or mabe she has just resigned herself to it all. Either way, I am sure she has a point.

Why is that so hard for me? Why can I not just turn it all over to God and not worry?

Why can I not worry about it? Oh wait, I know, vielleicht ist es, weil ich weiB, was sie aus erster Hand jetzt durchgeht. Yeah, I know, I'm doing the german thing too, guess she is right, some things are just harder to face in the english.

Okay, well today I am just going to get things straightened up for a meeting later, and maybe make some cookies or brownies to set out. Pretend like I am a good hostess and all.

Monday, February 2, 2009

A Little Venting

Okay, back and able to write, but my hands smell like bread dough,lol.

We had a busy weekend. My hubby is officially "in" at church. Sigh. Oh well, cheerful attitude, right? Ugh, seriously though, he did recommended spending more time with my dear best friend, so I will take that as the precious gift that it is. Sure I can learn to be more of the sweet and less of the spunk if it means more time hanging out with my sis!

Saturday I spent a good part of the day making more freezer jam, we were seriously low and well everybody knows you can't have dinner or supper (or breakfast for that matter) without a thick slice of bread slathered in the red "stuff",LOL. So, I made more. It would be a major crisis if we ran out. Ack, don't know what we would do. Crisis averted, jam is made!

I am trying to adjust to no patterns, arghhhh, I do like the flowers. Just can't help myself. Guess it's that inner-harlot. Ohhhh, pink flowers, now that would really just get their goat.

Okay, so really, I am not all bad. It's just that I need to vent now and then because really, some of this mess seems absolutely absurd. Completely bonkers. And what I hate more than silly rules is hypocrisy. Why is it not okay to wear flowers but then a certain someone can wear purple socks and sandals (in the privacy of her own back yard of course)? I saw leg and all. But just dont wear a pink dress or you'll go straight to hell. I don't think you even get a chance to repent,lol. Oh, but if you are a little boy, well, wear pink as much as you please. Sigh. True, most would never get away with the purple sock thing, or the leg showing (gasp!) but seriously, why one and not the others?

And what I really don't get is why Daniel is suddenly so taken with these people. My Daniel. The one who left in the first place because he was sick of this sort of thing. And now here he is conforming with the best of them. Guess I am on my own as the lone rebel.